Sunday, February 7, 2010

I can't decide.

Rule number one, Smile as you walk into the room. 3-Set with an HB, open, transition, DHV, Neg, qualify, isolate, close. Follow the routine. It's a game. If you don't win that's fine, find another set. Play again.

Fuck that.

There is no formula, no guaranteed process. It's all emotion. Hearts and Minds battle with such consistency. Every moment war rages upon every plane of thought. A look or squeeze can sway the tide of battle. Should logic or feelings surge ahead today? I can't decide which side should win.

You tell me to live it out, let emotions take hold, to take a chance. And at the same time I respond that I can't get burned. It's not just me, you have the same issue. The same struggle. One night doesn't change the tide of war, but one smile could win over my mind.

You're scared to make the wrong decision. Who knows what the future holds? All I know is what I want, but I can't ask for that. It could catch me on fire. And I promised myself I won't burn.

After all, even Bonnie and Clyde got what they had coming in the end.
But then my heart fights back, because you said yourself, "We'd make a horrible Bonnie and Clyde". Maybe I can ask after all.

Driving in Circles

Tonight the world glowed orange. Old forgotten streetlights cast an orange light upon the tired snow. I drove through the orange haze which bounced off the snow onto just as equally old and tired and forgotten buildings. A deserted city where shadows danced and twirled with the glow of the orange streetlights. No, not deserted. Asleep.

The city lay sleeping as I drove away from your sleeping form. I left you in bed, mind at ease, relaxed. I drove away wide awake, mind racing, soaring on silver'd wings.

In one swift decision my mind has become a scattered puzzle. Pieces which once fit together were thrown against the lost recesses of my brain. Nothing made sense anymore, yet it all seemed perfect. Beauty in chaos.

As I drove I tried to find the pieces, put my puzzle back into some kind of order. But they kept falling, slipping between my fingers. Only one thing was sure, only one thing made sense. I knew that in a perfect world I wouldn't be driving, lost, in the sleeping city. In a perfect world I would have never left.

Smiles shared in the past few hours are always brought back into mind when I wake up to see you sleeping peacefully beside me. Arms wrapped around pillows aren't good enough.

I wanted to turn back.